The Colbert Bump
The Colbert Bump is the curious phenomenon whereby anyone who appears on The Colbert Report gets a huge boost in popularity, causing them to win elections, receive massive increases in money (making Colbert the greatest fundraiser ever), receive major awards and even get laid (The Colbert Bumpin' Uglies) and sell many albums. The Colbert Bump is also a mixed alcoholic drink designed during the August 4th, 2009 episode by David Wondrich, author and mixologist when he was a guest on the show. The ingredients are: one ounce of cherry Heering, one and a half ounces of gin, a splash of lemon juice, and soda water. The Colbert Bump is the surge of enthusiasm The American Public has for a politician, candidate for office, author or other personality after they appear on The Colbert Report. Dr. Stephen Colbert, the host of the show, has suggested that the bump is "good for at least a couple of points." Findings, however, show that the bump raises the poll numbers for political candidate by no fewer than 10 points. This was first evidenced in the 2006 midterm elections. Being on The Colbert Report increases book sales by 10 times on average. Statistics are currently unavailable for The Bump's influence on box office results or chart position/sales numbers for music. The factonistas that need ::Shudder:: evidence can see the results of The Colbert Bump below. All results obtained via the Fox News website. The Colbert Bump gives more cash to Bump-recipients (44% more) than non-Bump-recipients, which is more than Mitt Romney gave to himself 2006 Midterm Elections Below are people who were interviewed by Dr. Colbert and won their respective elections. *Jack Kingston, Georgia's 1st, wins with 68% of the vote. *Barney Frank, Massachusetts' 4th, wins with 100% of the vote. *Stephanie Tubbs-Jones, Ohio's 11th, wins with 83% of the vote. *John Mica, Florida's 7th, wins with 63% of the vote. *Mark Udall, Colorado's 2nd, wins with 67% of the vote. *Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, Michigan's 13th, wins with 100% of the vote. *Jim Moran, Virginia's 8th District, wins with 66% of the vote. *Steve Rothman, New Jersey's 9th, wins with 71% of the vote. *Eliot L. Engel, New York's 17th, wins with 76% of the vote. *Bill Pascrell, New Jersey's 8th District, wins with 71% of the vote. *Jerrold Nadler, New York's 8th District, wins with 83% of the vote. *Chaka Fattah, Pennsylvania's 2nd District, wins with 89% of the vote. *Linda Sanchez, California's 39th, wins with 66% of the vote. *Brad Sherman, California's 27th, wins with 69% of the vote. *Adam Schiff, California's 29th, wins with 64% of the vote. *Darlene Hooley, Oregon's 5th, wins with 54% of the vote. *Albert Wynn, Maryland's 4th, wins with 81% of the vote. *Phil Gingrey, Georgia's 11th, wins with 71% of the vote. *Earl Blumenauer, Oregon's 3rd, wins with 74% of the vote. *Lee Terry, Nebraska's 2nd, wins with 55% of the vote. *Lynn Westmoreland, Georgia's 3rd, wins with 67% of the vote. *Diana DeGette, Colorado's 1st, wins with 79% of the vote. *Rick Larsen, Washington's 2nd, wins with 66% of the vote. *Robert Wexler, Florida's 19th, wins with 100% of the vote. *Eleanor Holmes Norton, District of Colombia, wins with 100% of the vote. *Lynn Woolsey, California's 6th, wins with 69% of the vote. *Xavier Becerra, California's 31st, wins with 100% of the vote. *James Saxton, New Jersey's 3rd, wins with 58% of the vote* *John Hall of New York's 19th, wins with 51% of the vote *Albio Sires of New Jersey's 13th, wins with 78% of the vote** *It seems that, perhaps, Mr. Rich Sexton (challenger) was accidentally interviewed instead of the incumbent representative Mr. Saxton. Dr. Colbert had no way of knowing the difference and represented the interviewed as Mr. Saxton. This inevitably led to Mr. Saxton's victory. **New Jersey's 13th District was vacant when Dr. Colbert interviewed it. Obviously, that exposure helped Mr. Sires to his victory over vacancy. Loophole Senators After appearing on The Colbert Report, Ned Lamont won the Democratic nomination for the 2006 Connecticut Senatorial elections against Joe Lieberman who refused to appear on The Report even though Stephen had provided him a comfy wingback chair. Lamont did not return to The Colbert Report prior to the general election, leading to his loss to Lieberman. This proves that The Colbert Bump is more influential than Joementum. 2008 Presidential Candidates *Mike Huckabee: After receiving the bump from a two minute interview Mikes' poll rating went from 1% to 3%, thats a 200% improvement; if he keeps this up then by election he will receive 88,128,000 percent of the popular vote. Mike Huckabee came out of nowhere to win the 2008 Iowa Republican Caucus. * raised Mike Huckabee from afterthought to national contender *Ron Paul: After receiving the bump from an interview Ron's poll rating went from 1% to 2%; which is not counting the massive attention he received after he left the studio. He also then received an unprecedented 10% of the vote in the 2008 Iowa Republican Caucus. *Mike Gravel: Due to his appearance on The Colbert Report, on May 2, 2007, Stephen predicted a .5% rise in Senator Gravel's poll numbers. * lifted Mike Gravel from homeless to hobo *Dennis Kucinich: Due to his appearance on the show to "empty his pockets" as ordered by Stephen, Kucinich is expected to encounter a large Colbert Bump. Recording Artists *Toby Keith: Album Big Dog Daddy went to #1 after his appearance on The Report . *Movits: The Swedish hip-hop, swing, jazz fusion trio jumped from 93,400 to 73 on the Amazon charts in a single night following their July 27 2009 appearance on The Report. This was an incredible 127,845 % increase and yet another testament to the ballevolent power of the bump. Writers *Sir Salman Rushdie: Knighted by The Queen after bemoaning the state of literary criticism on The Report. * According to some Factinista, being on the Colbert Report increases book sales" by 10 times on average. Television personalities In an interesting phenomenon, the Colbert Bump is also believed to be responsible for the overwhelming success of Stephen Colbert himself. While some observers have criticized the idea of the Colbert Bump improving the popularity of the "bump" originator, studies have shown that Stephen Colbert's own popularity continues to improve based solely on his constant appearances on the "Colbert Report." This phenomenon is commonly observed in astro-physics where a wormhole in the universe causes a continuous loop that will go on for infinity (allowing time travel.) One other side effect of this is the Colbert Bump Bumping itself. Which may or may not cause instantaneous pregnancy and AIDS, however this side-effect only occurs during the week before and after a lunar eclipse that Stephen Colbert Observes. Which may or may not be happening. Fun Facts *Stephen Hawking has theorized that, should a black hole appear on the show, the resulting Colbert Bump would doom us all. *The Colbert Bump is non-malignant. *By appearing on his own show nightly, the Colbert Bump ensures Dr. Colbert increasingly lucrative contract renewals. *The Colbert Bump should not be confused with the Colbert Dump, which is solid gold. *It is also a cocktail made from 1 1/2 ounces of cherry brandy, 1 ounce of gin, 1/2 ounce of lemon juice, and soda water. *Everybody <3 Stephen Colbert. *Stephen Colbert rocks and all the troops love him. In a non-sexual masculine way. More Proof, As If Any Were Needed * LabSpaces.net * ArsTechnica.com